I saw a pirate with a steering wheel on his pants and I brought it to his attention. He simply responded "Aye, it's driving me nuts!"
When coral gets stressed out, they die. Their most stressing topic? Current events, though it comes in waves.
You allergic to corn? No? Good I've got some corny jokes for you.
I had a friend who adjusted bones for a living in Egypt. He was a Cairo-practor.
"Walt, which part of your leg is hurting?" Walt points to left kneecap "Dis knee."
A coworker said that you can't have a growth mindset if you stick your head in the sand. I simply told him that you can't grow if you don't have your roots planted.
In the old west, artists would get in fights and settle them by seeing who could paint a gun first. I guess the winner was the one who drew a weapon faster.
I used to be very good with Microsoft Office. My skills Excel others'. I had a great Outlook on my skills until you stole it. I'll get it back though, you have my Word.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a canopy. Then I'm a
teepee again, then I'm a canopy. What's wrong with me? I'm going crazy!" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."
A proton walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a $150 bottle of whiskey. The bartender asks if he's sure, and the proton responds "I'm positive."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did.
No pun intendid.
I ate a pencil once. I digested that sucker the old natural way. Yes, it was in fact a number 2 pencil.
I used to love puns as a kid, but then someone told me puns are bad. I guess, that was the day I became a groan up.
You might think that because you're a vegetarian, you can't wear leather. I assure you, your opinion can be suede.