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Alphabet Soup

David

I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

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Wires

7 July 2021

My kid was caught eating wires. I've grounded them until they've learned to conduct themselves properly.

Home valuation

3 July 2021

I live next to a coin manufacturing plant. My house is valuable because it’s near mint!

Butter

30 June 2021

I lathered myself up in butter just to see what would happen. I went downhill pretty quickly after that.

Home Building

14 June 2021

I saw an ad that said "Buy one house, get roof free". I guess that means the roof is on the house.

Drums

12 June 2021

I like to listen to drum solos over and over again, but I'm afraid of any possible repercussions.

Cow

9 June 2021

What do you call a cow with a sunburn? Roast beef.

Legos

28 May 2021

Did you hear about the excitement for the new Lego set? People were lined up for blocks!

Blood

24 May 2021

What blood type results in  grammatical errors on a keyboard? Type-O.

Fence Posts

14 May 2021

Why aren't fence posts any fun? They're all just a stick in the mud.

Guitar

11 May 2021

Free guitar. Completely free. No strings attached.

Gas

1 May 2021

What gas weighs the least? Butane. It's a lighter fluid.

Oscars

29 April 2021

Don't believe everything you see at the Oscars. Everyone is a paid actor.

Nose

27 April 2021

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!

Running

25 April 2021

I find if I get tired from running, I just have to stop running behind cars. It's exhausting.

Twins

23 April 2021

I have twin daughters. One's name is Kate, the other, Duplikate.

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