My calculator is really something I can count on.

Get this on a shirt

I only give away dead batteries; free of charge that is.

Being number 1 is odd.

I have a large collection of candy canes. They're all in mint condition.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a canopy. Then I'm a
teepee again, then I'm a canopy. What's wrong with me? I'm going crazy!" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."

A proton walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a $150 bottle of whiskey. The bartender asks if he's sure, and the proton responds "I'm positive."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

I tried to tell a series of jokes to my friend to see if I could get a reaction. No pun in ten did.

Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did.

No pun intendid.

How do you fix a train that can't hear? With an EnginEAR