When I moved out into my own apartment, I hung up a copy of the US Constitution. I call it my declaration of independence.

I spent many years doing limo repairs. After all that time, I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry? It goes back four seconds.

What's an Owl's favorite TV Show? Doctor Who, because it's a hoot.

Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

There used to only be 25  letters in the  alphabet. Nobody knows y.

A pie in the Bahamas costs about $4 per pie, but that's because they're stolen. That's the pie rate of the Caribbean.

My wife thinks our neighbor needs to stop sunbathing topless. Personally, I'm on the fence.

How do you make water beds bouncier? Add some spring water.

My friend was using their telekinetic powers to do math on an abacus. They offered me a turn but I declined. It's the thought that counts.